Reflecting on Vows

Reflecting on Vows August 16, 2020

Conversation

• Commenting on the vows themselves

  • “I will cultivate my own sense of self. As I grow, I will reach toward a richer shared life with you.” I will cultivate my sense of self-worth and will treat you as my most sacred guest. “I promise not to give up on you or our love….”
  • We do not talk about family, friends, children, and how we will make them part of our relationship.
  • We do not talk about the past and how our present will handle the past, especially painful and unresolved incidents.

• Reflecting on where we have room to grow and do better

  • We would like to take more time for play, pleasure, relaxation
  • We would like to continue to get better at making our concentrated work time productive
  • Zuz creating space for Chris to be all of his selves
  • Chris inviting Zuz to participate in more aspects of his life
  • Zuz has not been as involved in the financial planning activities that Chris has really spearheaded
  • Zuz doesn’t always match Chris on amount of house chores–>cooking, cleaning, etc
  • C&Z sometimes don’t notice the work the other has done/is doing

• Reflecting on where we are doing well

  • Recently, strolling through the garden has been a way of taking time for gratitude, joy, and wonder daily
  • We have grown a lot stronger at communication skills–identifying and breaking patterns that we get stuck in, listening and noticing when there is something not being said, interpreting each other more generously, sharing our inner lives
  • We have actually made a number of our dreams from the beginning of our marriage a reality! We both finished grad school (and actually learned a lot doing it!), cultivated new grad school communities, saw an opportunity to create a beautiful home life in Buffalo area, and specifically in Lockport at our sweet home on Pine Street, and now we’re actually doing it!!! These things are really, really cool!
  • We have navigated a number of very challenging things–our dogs getting into fights with each other, starting the process of navigating a more interwoven life with Zuz’s parents (or at least considering much more deeply how much we want this, while supporting them as they figure out their retirement years)
  • We are able to have a lot of high quality things in our lives (home, food, clothing, furniture) at a fraction of the price a lot of people do because we buy/source these things in a slow/ethical/resourceful way
  • We don’t have a lot of conflict over money–sometimes we have stress but we don’t often have conflict
  • We are super lucky and also proactive about taking our shared diverse set of skills and using them to create new opportunities for intellectual and creative pursuits
  • When we notice the work the other does, we’re really good at expressing gratitude to each other/admiring the work done

• Fears thinking about the next five years

  • Distance turning into coolness with the people we love
  • Lack of career success forces other disruptions (e.g. having to make other compromises, or moving again when we don’t otherwise want to)
  • Zuz: having kids and having an ambitious career at the same time feeling set up for “failure” (at least by other people’s standards)–fears around the impossibilities of “doing it all”
  • Zuz: fear that the business and stress of working and parenting and caring for other family leading to distance in our relationship

• Things we really want and would be disappointed to not have/do:

  • Building a really rich community in Western NY
  • Traveling

• Excitement thinking about the next five years

  • Finding really awesome ways to collaborate on personal, intellectual, and creative projects
  • Having kids and investing deeply in our family living through the wonder of childhood
  • Building a really rich community in Western NY
  • Our home
    • Making our home a retreat that friends and family love to and do visit a lot!
    • Growing our garden!
    • Having really fun parties
    • Our libraries
  • Traveling–especially oriented around relationships and adventures (especially nature)
  • Getting to know the nonhuman diversity of Western NY (fauna, flora, geology, etc)
  • Getting better at having sex and having that be a source of wildness
  • Being part of exuberant and wild and stimulating communities
  • Having engaging careers and watching each other grow professionally
  • Building practices that keep us in better touch and feeling closer to our friends and families

• Making commitments for the next five years

  • Find a couples therapist to work with