Ahyoung feedback

Ahyoung feedback Dear Ahyoung, 

THEORIES

Your essay is generally accurate in describing and comparing the learning theories, though some specific points are inaccurate (for example, “adaption” on page 3 is not the right term) and in places you are too vague (more on this in the next section). The essay is successful in comparing the theories rather than just summarizing them. However, there are some areas the essay misses entirely. More is needed in your sections on the model of knowing. Your argument makes sense and feels correct, but you go too quickly and don’t provide quotations. There is also very little in this essay about critical pedagogy. 

EVIDENCE

It is generally expected that you are writing for somebody who is interested in the subject, but who has not done all the readings that you have. This means when you refer to ideas (for example, “Piaget’s constructivism”, “Vygotsky’s constructivism), you need to explain what you mean. (In the case of a class paper, this is artificial because you know the teachers have done the readings. But when you write your final paper, it will be for a wider academic community who may not be so familiar.)

When you use quotations, it is expected that you are using them to show something in particular. Before adding the quotation, you need to prepare the reader for what she should understand from the quotation, and afterwards, you need to connect the ideas from the quotation to the point you are making. The style of long block quotations you use in this paper makes it difficult to perform these tasks. When you want to bring a lot of ideas from a paper into yours, it can be better to summarize the other paper. For example, here is a way you could rework the block quotation on page 2: 

Ackermann (2001) compares Piaget’s model of the learner with Papert’s, claiming that both see children as being interested in learning from new experiences, but that Papert placed more emphasis on concrete experiences instead of always advancing toward abstraction. Papert’s child “enjoys gaining understanding from singular cases, rather than extracting and applying general rules. S/he likes to be engaged in situations and not step back from them” (p. X). This emphasis on concrete experience is the basis for Papert’s interest in context, uses, and media. 

Less text is quoted because some is summarized. It is connected to your argument before and after. This is particularly missing on page 3, where you drop several quotations but do not help your reader understand why they are there. 

POSITIONING

Your self-positioning is thoughtful and engages effectively with the theories, arguing for the importance of context and personal interest through recognizing evocative objects like knitting. You also bring in your personal experiences in BBA and explain them in terms of the theories. You also make some points earlier in the essay which are valuable, but feel out of place. For example, on page 2. you bring up teachers’ concern that students need to do well on the test. This point is not important for comparing the three thinkers (none of them are very concerned with tests), but it is very important for your response to their ideas. It would be better to move it to the last part of the paper, where you respond to their ideas. 

Finally, throughout the essay, the writing needs more editing to be easily understandable. For your final paper, let’s make sure your draft is complete with enough time to do this editing. It often works well to get somebody else to read over writing and suggest changes. This could be a peer, or a member of the teaching team would be happy to provide this support. 

This essay has strengths, but it also has areas that need improvement. If you want to use it as a learning opportunity, we would be happy to work with you to revise it. Otherwise, we propose putting that effort into your final paper. If your final paper shows improvement in the weak areas identified in this feedback, the check-minuses on this paper will not negatively affect your grade.